Being here these weeks with you, being Sandi, I realizedsomething, I didn't have to keep on trying. I could relax, really relaxfor the first time. It's weird I know, but I hadn't been aware that I hadbeen trying so hard, trying so hard all my life. It has something to dowith keeping my inner woman secret, But I just now understood what the'trying' was all about."For as long as I can remember, hell for longer than I can remember, I'vebeen trying to prove something. No, it's not trying to be a tough guy ortrying to compete with every guy I saw, it's more subtle than that. Iguess you would say that I was trying so hard to be a man. Now for thefirst time in my life I don't have to try any more. Do you have any ideawhat kind of weight that takes off my shoulders? It's the most amazinglyliberating thing! I feel like I've got a whole new lease on life."Suddenly for the very first time, I know what I want to do, but thatscares the hell out of me. Um, now give me a minute. It's hard even. If she would have held the same spot when Denae was crowned, it would have been unprecedented. But there are other reasons why Denae's original staff would be considered unusual. Only one member of her staff – Usala – would have inherited a title." You would have," Jorgarn said. "I mean, eventually. You are heir to the Longview estate." Out of necessity more than out of desire," Bralan confessed. "Eslada is still young and plans to wed. She would prefer her own children to hold the land and neither Drosset nor I felt slighted because we would not have inherited the title in our first family either. Eslada named me her heir to force Landor's hand. She knew it would be unnecessary for me to actually claim the lands. If Landor had chosen someone else to succeed him, I would have forfeited Longview to Eslada's natural child."Bralan saw the look on Jorgarn's face and spoke again."Yes, I understood you would find these machinations distasteful," she said sadly, "but I could not be.
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